FROM VIKINGS TO TALIBAN... We should be better at picking our sparring partners!

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By alancaster149

A - very - brief history lesson on our disasters, near disasters and heroic failures

Duke William comes ashore and trips. Seems most of our kings have stumbled somehow, one onto the chopping block
See all 20 photos
Duke William comes ashore and trips. Seems most of our kings have stumbled somehow, one onto the chopping block
The beginning of the end, or the end of the beginning? The Normans over-run Harold's army near Hastings
The beginning of the end, or the end of the beginning? The Normans over-run Harold's army near Hastings
One of few undoctored portraits of Richard III
One of few undoctored portraits of Richard III
Charles I had the Banquesting house built for him. Then Oliver had his head on the block outside. Was Inigo Jones happy about that?
Charles I had the Banquesting house built for him. Then Oliver had his head on the block outside. Was Inigo Jones happy about that?
'Farmer George' had the redcoats sent to sort out the colonists in the Americas. Meanwhile he did his bit talking to the trees. The redcoats came back - minus a few hundred - and George was less than happy!
'Farmer George' had the redcoats sent to sort out the colonists in the Americas. Meanwhile he did his bit talking to the trees. The redcoats came back - minus a few hundred - and George was less than happy!
Sir Arthur Wellesley survived the Napoleonic Wars a hero, and was made up to duke. Sir Horatio Nelson rose to admiral before the war and died a hero... The Duke of Wellington became PM and appeared on our fivers. Nice career!
Sir Arthur Wellesley survived the Napoleonic Wars a hero, and was made up to duke. Sir Horatio Nelson rose to admiral before the war and died a hero... The Duke of Wellington became PM and appeared on our fivers. Nice career!
One of our heroic failures - men returning from the Charge of the Light Brigade.
One of our heroic failures - men returning from the Charge of the Light Brigade.
After the disaster at Isandlwana, the heroic stand at rorke's Drift convinced Ketawayo war would be futile against the Brits... A question of numbers
After the disaster at Isandlwana, the heroic stand at rorke's Drift convinced Ketawayo war would be futile against the Brits... A question of numbers
Another question of numbers... British POW's in the Boer War. A few Boer farmers could hold out indeterminately but the Kaiser was making noises offstage. Kitchener dreamed up the internment camp and earned Britain a name for playing dirty... Ho-hum.
Another question of numbers... British POW's in the Boer War. A few Boer farmers could hold out indeterminately but the Kaiser was making noises offstage. Kitchener dreamed up the internment camp and earned Britain a name for playing dirty... Ho-hum.
Coronation of Edward VII - he should have had more time on the throne, who knows what he might have achieved. WWI might never have happened for starters
Coronation of Edward VII - he should have had more time on the throne, who knows what he might have achieved. WWI might never have happened for starters
Cartoon of the British Lion standing over Kaiser Bill - he nearly taught us a lesson, It took three years of war before a Brigadier Rawlinson came up with an alternative to Haig's emptying the towns and villages of Britain in the trenches!
Cartoon of the British Lion standing over Kaiser Bill - he nearly taught us a lesson, It took three years of war before a Brigadier Rawlinson came up with an alternative to Haig's emptying the towns and villages of Britain in the trenches!
Tommy Atkins was sent to war and nearly ran out of neighbours. Here he is on parade... Before long he'd be caked in mud.
Tommy Atkins was sent to war and nearly ran out of neighbours. Here he is on parade... Before long he'd be caked in mud.
Next up on the wall... Hitler took over Kaiser Bill's role in rubbing Tommy's nose in the dirt
Next up on the wall... Hitler took over Kaiser Bill's role in rubbing Tommy's nose in the dirt
He nearly succeeded, Dunkirk was a disaster averted when Adolf halted his army to let hid SS finish off the job... Only they weren't all that quick off the mark, letting Tommy and Pierre off the hook
He nearly succeeded, Dunkirk was a disaster averted when Adolf halted his army to let hid SS finish off the job... Only they weren't all that quick off the mark, letting Tommy and Pierre off the hook
1946 and the King David Hotel in Jerusalem goes down in a blast, killing many of the 'Top Brass' of the British Army
1946 and the King David Hotel in Jerusalem goes down in a blast, killing many of the 'Top Brass' of the British Army
Tommy lends a hand - well, him and his mate actually - in Korea in the early 1950's in support of the US along with other Commonwealth troops to keep the Chinese-supported North Koreans out of the south
Tommy lends a hand - well, him and his mate actually - in Korea in the early 1950's in support of the US along with other Commonwealth troops to keep the Chinese-supported North Koreans out of the south
Uprising against the British in Kenya was protracted. British jets pounded the rebels but we still ended up leaving, giving independence in 1954
Uprising against the British in Kenya was protracted. British jets pounded the rebels but we still ended up leaving, giving independence in 1954
It's 1956 and British troops are questioning the locals in Cyprus. Another place we were kicked out of, but we still kept the bases...
It's 1956 and British troops are questioning the locals in Cyprus. Another place we were kicked out of, but we still kept the bases...
Unlike in the same year Anthony Eden took a dislike to Nasser's nationalisating the Suez Canal and took us in along with the French and israelis. What goes around comes around. Ten years earlier the Israelis were bombing us!
Unlike in the same year Anthony Eden took a dislike to Nasser's nationalisating the Suez Canal and took us in along with the French and israelis. What goes around comes around. Ten years earlier the Israelis were bombing us!
It's the early 1960's and we're in Aden this time. Mad Mitch tried to revive the reputation on the Argyles, but aside from that we were shown the door again...
It's the early 1960's and we're in Aden this time. Mad Mitch tried to revive the reputation on the Argyles, but aside from that we were shown the door again...
1969 the Troubles erupted in Ulster again... the Protestant 'establishment' in Northern Ireland was accused of vote-rigging (Jerrymandering) escalated to troops being sent in after about a sixty-year gap. These are in Londonderry, 1970
1969 the Troubles erupted in Ulster again... the Protestant 'establishment' in Northern Ireland was accused of vote-rigging (Jerrymandering) escalated to troops being sent in after about a sixty-year gap. These are in Londonderry, 1970
1982 The 'Argies' decided to make their stake in the Falklands, so we had to send our lads down there as well... There's rumbling going on again down there now somebody struck oil offshore
1982 The 'Argies' decided to make their stake in the Falklands, so we had to send our lads down there as well... There's rumbling going on again down there now somebody struck oil offshore
1991, Saddam's taken a liking to Kuwait and along with the Yanks and French we've got to persuade them to go home. A 'Mother of all Battles' was promised by Saddam but that turned out to be a damp squib
1991, Saddam's taken a liking to Kuwait and along with the Yanks and French we've got to persuade them to go home. A 'Mother of all Battles' was promised by Saddam but that turned out to be a damp squib
We went in again after Tony Blair went on about weapons of mass destruction, Along with the Yanks we urged a regime change - there weren't any 'w.o,m.d's' in sight, but Saddam was found hiding in a cellar
We went in again after Tony Blair went on about weapons of mass destruction, Along with the Yanks we urged a regime change - there weren't any 'w.o,m.d's' in sight, but Saddam was found hiding in a cellar
Next Tony had us in Afghanistan, chasing after the Taliban - most of them from outside the country, (including Birmingham and Leeds)
Next Tony had us in Afghanistan, chasing after the Taliban - most of them from outside the country, (including Birmingham and Leeds)

Recently - in the last five years or so - I've been drawn to the political shenanigins of pre- and post-Conquest England. In particular I've been following up on the period between the first Danish invasions and the last battle against the Normans, the siege of Ely when Hereward threatened the stability of William's reign. The biggest concentration of books I've bought, though, is about Godwinson Wulfnothson's clan. The family spanned the fifty or so years between the downfall of Aethelred to the killing of Harold on Caldbec Hill above Hastings on the 14th October, 1066 - in particular the year Duke William took the throne. I have read on other periods after the Conquest, for instance the 'Wars of the Roses' (Sir Walter Scott's name for just another bloody English dynastic spat) and of the maligning of Richard III by Shakespeare for the Tudor dynasty (in the same way as he maligned Macbeth's character for the benefit of James I).

The civil wat begun by Charles I's intransigence that led to his execution for treason against his own people (it had been discovered that he had plans for a Spanish-French invasion of England to prop up his ailing kingship. Charles II had the same intentions before he fell off his perch, too, and then we had to get rid of James II. Two dynasties that brought England low, the Tudors and Stuarts! Losing the Amercian colonies was unavoidable, given the next stooges we had for kings. Then we had the Seven Years' War (otherwise known as 'The War of Jenkins' Ear'.

Came the Napoleonic wars, it took some time to rally the troops and stir them to victory after the Duke of York's experiences with some of the crass 'cash for commissions' squad, who bought their younger sons a captaincy in one or other of our fine regiments. The Navy had got over that hurdle years earlier! Trafalgar, The Peninsular War and Waterloo showed we could win, given the right leadership...

Which was lacking for most of the 19th Century! After beating 'Boney' (Napoleon) and sending him to stew on St. Helena, we took on in fairly quick successionL

The Russians in the Crimean War;

The Zulus in the Zulu War (w hat else?);

The Mahdi (- our new Maxim machine guns and Martini-Henry rifles against their spears and arrows, close call that one!);

The Boers in the Boer War (no surprises there, then), twice (that was a bit sharp!);

Mind you, as we're told in the book 1066 AND ALL THAT, these activities were undertaken to amuse Queen Victoria. I think the last one, the second Boer War just about tipped the balance but she had the edge on them and died before she had to admit she was amused.

Only Edward VII had a notion for reviving the monarchy, but he didn't last long. Edward VIII would have signed us away to Hitler, but his younger brother George VI was sitting on the throne by this time. And then wallop! For the second time in less than twenty years we were at war with Germany. They still did better out of losing than we did in being on the winning side! Then the Israelis bombing British troops in Palestine. Roll on the 1950's... Korea, Mau-Mau's in Kenya, Anthony Eden dragging us into Suez along with the French and Israelis, apartheid in South Africa... The 1960's, double devaluation, Aden, a near-war with China and Harold Wilson dodging the issue of sending British troops into Viernam. Maggie announcing to the world that she was disbanding the Royal Marine Corps and then the Argies invading the Flaklands because there was nobody down there with enough ironwork to keep them out. Good job she sent the army/navy/airforce in there or she'd have been out on her ears. Going into Iraq with the Yanks and the Fench might have served a purpose if we'd kicked out Saddam but Bush Snr pulled the plug on it because he'd got the jitters about the Commies going in if Saddam was out. Didn't happen anyway when he did go. And now we've got the Taliban and the Argies rattling their sabres! - more like their SAM's. Who wouldn't prefer the Vikings coming in again?

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